As someone who is about to get married, and who has recently been struggling with my mate regarding the division of labor within the household, I found this New York Times article on gender roles and equal responsibilities within a marital partnership to be incredibly interesting.
We've come a long way from the 1930's wives, as a fun test on a friend's blog reveals, but how much do their ghosts still haunt us?
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6 comments:
Figuring out the roles people play in a marriage, navigating what gets done and what doesn't, and by whom, is one of the hardest and trickiest things to do. And it certainly doesn't happen overnight. Patience, confidence, and will are so important, and I know you have those aplenty.
Yeah, some people think that things will be exactly the same, especially if they already live with the other person. You probably already know this, but even the most egalitarian couple has unexamined assumptions about what it means to be a wife and what it means to be a husband. I found, especially in our first year, that I had internalized some of my mother's ideas about being a wife. What a surprise that was, to me and to Sam!
I think that 50/50 looks like the best season ever for a baseball player.
All jokes aside - the article was very good about challenging what it means to contribute to housework and childcare and the couple's, and society's, perceptions of contribution. When I assess my housework truthfully, I don't think I can claim near as high a percentage as I wanted to.
J-P, it seems like you would be one of the most enlightened husbands we know!
What you say, though, makes me think about the attitudes of the parents in the article. The ones who were most successful sought to deliberately share as much as possible. The fathers already wanted to try to work 50/50.
What I mean to say is that you can't plan on changing someone, and doing only your 50 doesn't guarantee that the other 50 will get done. Except by you. Later. (Or in our household, by Sam.)
S, K, and J-P: Thanks for your comments. Todd and I have a lot to figure out as we join ourselves as husband and wife, and I'm so glad that we have friends like you to support us, and marriages like yours to inspire us!
K- True what you say - 50% plus 45% does not= houseswork done. I think at our house it is fairly even but what I was thinking about was when the article pointed out that much of the time so-called enlightened men think the work *should* be split but the reality doesn't reflect that good intention.
This is why I strive to look at my contribution honestly and objectively. Can I honestly say that I do a full share 50%? What does 50% look like? Is there flexibility? Does cleaning the bathroom count as the same as cleaning the kitchen? As Sam says - it is tricky. I desire to have a 50/50 household, and just as important (and the article didn't focus on as much), I desire to have a household where gender norms/roles are meaningless. If part of the work is mowing the lawn, there is no reason that Melissa can't do that. If part is dusting the shelves - I can handle that just fine. No reason to gender lable a task (pardon my off-subject soapbox there). I do want to have an equal partnership in work around the house - I also want to make sure I am not patting myself on the back. :o)
And K, I really do draw the line at 50/50/20
(meaning: M doing 50% / me doing 50% at our place and then me coming over to do 20% at your house... Notgonnahappen!)
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