if i twittered

my current update would be:

sitting in the kitchen in my pajamas; contemplating going to sip to get a latte; listening to the cbs sunday morning program play in the other room; getting psyched up to fight the crowds at opry mills; watching my crazy-ass dog try to jump the 8-foot section of the fence so he can catch a squirrel; wondering why my face is breaking out; thinking about eating another blonde brownie for breakfast.

secret santa

Every year around this time, we do the Secret Santa thing at work. Everyone on staff draws a name, and then the last week of school is Secret Santa week. You're not supposed to spend more than $10-$15, and you can choose to give little gifts throughout the week with a bigger gift on Friday, or you can save up and give a nice gift at the end of the week.

I like to think that I am a good Secret Santa. I try to give thoughtful gifts that I think the person will enjoy. So far, I've baked cookies for my guy, and I gave him a pocket-sized moleskine-type notebook he can carry with him for when inspiration strikes (he's an English teacher--writer--theater guy). Heck, I even wrote poems to go with my gifts. Not necessarily good poems, mind you, but just a little something fun that he could laugh at. And mock. And use in his class as examples of how not to write poetry.

So, of course, I was excited to see what I would get this week from my Secret Santa.

On Tuesday, I get to work, and I find this in my chair:


Yep, it's a snake. A snake you put it water and it grows to 600% its size. Oh, but you have to leave it in water for 96 hours for it to get that big. Right. I can see it now..."Um, I'm sorry, honey, you can't take a bath for FOUR DAYS, because I'm trying to grow a snake in there." My favorite part, though, is the warning on the front in large letters: DO NOT SWALLOW! Come on...when you get a 12-inch long snake, isn't that the first instinct you have, to try to swallow it? I'm not even going to touch the double entendres there, either--you can do that yourself.

Then Wednesday arrives, and when I check my box in the teacher's lounge, I find:


A tarantula and a blood-shot eyeball! And they're gummy! And when you throw them against a wall, they stick and leave a trail of slime! Yippee!

Ok, so I'm beginning to think that:

a) My Secret Santa doesn't like me very much
b) My Secret Santa is a science teacher with an odd sense of humor
c) My Secret Santa thinks that I am actually a 12-year-old boy
or
d) My Secret Santa doesn't like me very much

Sigh. I'm almost afraid to see what my big gift on Friday is going to be...

ick

It usually happens twice a year. Once in March, and then again around November.

As the earth spins on its axis, and the seasons turn from cold to warm or warm to cold, my body responds by producing an abnormal amount of mucus. My eyes burn and water, my face swells, and my sinuses alternate between being completely clogged up and flowing like a river. Think Niagara Falls, except really gross. (Come on, with a title like "ick," you should have known this wasn't going to be pretty). The worst parts, though, are the raw, sore throat and the upset stomach that result from the drainage. Fun stuff.

Sometimes, the sinus infection only lasts a few days, but then other times it perseveres for weeks, and the pharmacists at Walgreens begin to eye me accusingly, suspecting that my excessive purchases of suphedrin could signal that they've got a meth addict on their hands. Every now and then, though, something glorious happens--the leaves change, the weather turns cold, and...nothing. Nary a drip. It's like my sinuses weren't paying attention and totally missed their cue to wreak havoc on my body.

So when it hit me that Christmas was quickly approaching, and I hadn't even used a single dose of Claritin, I thought that it might be one of those wonderfully lucky times when the terrible, horrible, no good Sinus Monster was going to lie dormant, at least until spring.

And then, I ran a 5k in 27-degree weather.

If anyone needs me, I'll be at Walgreens. Ick.

second installment

or, "Holiday seasonal things I could do without."

1. Stations that play all Christmas music, all the time. I like "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" as much as the next guy, but I could do without hearing it 1,372 times in one day.

2. Holiday sale commercials that play over and over and over... You know what I'm talking about--it's that Sears/JC Penney/etc. ad that comes on EVERY SINGLE TIME the show you are watching goes to commercial...sometimes even twice in one break. It's maddening, and it is the one thing that might actually cause me to break down and get TiVo.

3. Chia-everything. Where do these things go the rest of the year? You almost never hear anything about Chia until it's time for the holidays, and then they are all over the place. Chia-donkeys, Chia-alligators, Chia-dinosaurs. Does anyone actually collect these things, or do they just get recycled as Dirty Santa gifts from year to year? Although, did you know that they released a limited-edition Chia-Mr. T head in 2000? I totally want that. Added bonus: Chia also has that completely annoying jingle that gets stuck in your head...you're thinking it now, aren't you? Ch...ch...ch...chia!

4. Malls. I am avoiding them this year. I really hate malls around the holidays...the parking nightmares, the crowds, the rude, stressed-out people, the insanely messy piles of clothes (that you know were nicely folded when the store opened, but end up looking like someone ran and jumped in them like a kid in a big pile of leaves), the idiots who jump line in front of me when I'm just trying to get a soft pretzel...the list could go on and on. It is insanity, and it doesn't surprise me to see news stories this time of year about someone who looses it and beats a fellow shopper over the head with the latest Tickle-Me/Dance-With-Me/Do-Whatever-You-Want-to-Me version of Elmo.

5. Shopping for holiday presents in general. Don't get me wrong--I love the act of giving. I get high off of the feeling of finding that absolutely perfect gift for someone that you know he/she will love. I just don't like the pressure of trying to do that for everyone I know, all at the same time. And yes, I realize that I could start in January and collect things throughout the year as I find them, but I just don't work that way. If I find something absolutely fabulous for someone that I am so excited to give them, I can only hold off for a week, tops, before I break down and just give it to them early. I've ruined a lot of Todd's birthdays/holidays this way, because I. JUST. CAN'T. WAIT. So, he might get his Christmas gift on Dec. 25th, or he might get it on Dec. 17th. It just happens.

Those are just a few things off the top of my head--anyone have something to add to the list?

uncle

So, just in case you were wondering how my nieces took to their new uncle Todd...







...the phrase "attached at the hip" comes to mind.

I knew he was a hit when, as we were getting ready to sit down for dinner, I asked Kaelyn if the seat next to her was for me. Her response-- "No, TT, that's for Todd. You can sit on the other side of him." The coolness of Uncle Todd surpassed the coolness of Aunt TT. And I would be a little upset about it, if it just wasn't so incredibly cute to watch him with them...

these are a few of my favorite things

Things that make me happy during the holiday season...

Gingerbread lattes:


Chocolate cherry bread from Provence:


Classic holiday cartoons like Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman--I love that they still show these on tv:


Spending time with Clark and the Griswold clan again:


Seeing Christmas lights on other people's houses (I'm not going to the time and hassle of doing it for my own house, but I enjoy seeing other people's creativity--and sometimes absurdity):


And, best of all, getting a full two weeks of vacation. Have I mentioned I L-O-V-E working in a school?


Next installment: holiday seasonal things I could do without.